I wonder what it was about that moment. Why I couldn't help myself from calling him. I saw my fingers wrap themselves around the cordless, caressing the black handle in anticipation, starring at the number plate. I knew those digits so well. They were etched in my mind from calling him all those times. I tried forgetting them but how could I, so I let my fingers belt out the medley they knew so well. Every number I punched made my heart beat faster and when it started to ring I was sure I was going to faint in anticipation.
For the longest time it just rang...I waited holding my breath, I waited to hear his voice but he never picked up.
My mood was somber and the anxiety never quite left me. There was a restless energy that was consuming me. I couldn’t quite contain my self. So I started pacing around the room, went and got myself a glass of water, sat down and switched on the TV. After surfing the Internet and lighting candles that smelt like vanilla ice cream , I played with my hair and looked at the phone again. I knew I shouldn’t have done it but I did it anyway. My finger pressed the redial button and I shut my eyes not knowing what would happen next.
It rang again. 2 rings....3 rings...a 4th and just as I was about to hang up, a Hello interrupted my thoughts. He said it again because I couldn’t. Flummoxed by my own reaction, waiting for the words to come out of my gaping mouth I heard another Hello this time it was a questionable one. A timid ‘Hi’ came from my end. ‘Hey who is this?’ ...I was a little offended. Almost saddened. He knew my voice so well and then here we were being strangers to each other. However I had called him and I did have a responsibility towards saying what I had called to say... Happy Birthday! Thank you he said, he sounded surprised but you still haven’t told me who this is… “Is he saying this on purpose? I wondered”. “Its me - I silently screamed. How could you forget?” But instead I answered with my name. There was silence on the other end. Followed by a cold- Oh hi. “ How are you I asked?” I’m good he replied, Busy with work. You know the usual. *Awkward silence*.
“So what you doing today birthday boy?” Not a lot- Going out with some friends. He made his life sound so mundane, it wasn’t like that back then. He told me a little more about work. I listened patiently and wondered when he would stop talking about random things and start with what was really on our minds. Or at the very least on mine. He paused. You there? I wasn’t there. I wish I were though. I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to ask me why we couldn’t be together. Instead we exchanged pleasantries, cracked awkward jokes and had a sterile conversation that eventually ended on a solemn note of goodbye.
How had our realities become so different? I questioned time, asked it how we had gone from friends to lovers to estranged souls and why today there was nothing even left to define us.
A slow montage of images flashed before me. Those unforgettable 4 months and what was now left of them. For a whole minute my gaze laid fixated on my computer screen. The song he had written for me starred back. I looked away towards the window on my right. Starring into the abyss I contemplated my next move. When my thoughts returned I knew what I had to do and so I made the call. This time the hello I heard was pleasant and familiar, he recognized my voice instantly and it felt good to talk to him. Minutes later I knew all would be okay. I blew out the candles around me and sat in the dark somehow peaceful knowing that a chocolate strudel was on its way. I smiled to myself and just like that the wait began all over again.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, October 6, 2008
Together We Stand Divided.
As India moves into the 21st century, I am faced with certain moral dilemmas of my own. Mostly pertaining to my role and co existence in this new age society of ours. Bound by the Influx of to much information amongst freethinking individuals I stand debating the cultural ideals of the Indian society and how modern it really is.
I cant shake the feeling that no matter how urban we get as a nation, in the end we are still governed by certain archetypes, the kind that even the educated bunch fall prey to. There is a definite patriarchal system of thought that surrounds us.
Which makes me wonder have we really abolished the demons of our past, are we indeed free of social nuances of history? Does equality really exist today?
A selected few have taken the bold step but the core seems to overlook this revolution.
The progressive women of the world are embracing the ideology behind the 3rd wave of feminism and are propagating issues that pertain to race, social class and sexuality but it seems India still lacks the capacity to do so. Arrange marriages are still not free of hierarchal stances, sex is still taboo and pristine is she who saves herself till marriage.
I would like to believe that women today are liberated enough to think on their own, to feel powerful monetarily and emotionally. But do we really use this right or are we still giving into already existing paradigms of Endogamy. There is no denying of its existence. Its tragic, to know that even today as I look around I encounter situations where fathers deny their sons the right to marry a woman below his income group. Who is to decide these things, I wonder.This wrenched portrayal of the wealthy man abusing his son choice should have been banned long ago along with its perverse depictions in Indian cinema.
But it doesn't end here. Just the other day, the government denied the gay right law in India, they claimed that we cannot add a law because of peoples sentiments towards something. We hello there, you corrupt politicians, isn't it you who play on peoples sentiments when it comes to elections. The hypocrisy of it all is foul. Who is the government to decide how one is to live their life.
So again I ask you are we really moving on, are we letting go of our inhibitions. Is traditional thought and action really giving way for liberated deliberation?
Are we even fighting at all? If change is inevitable, why take baby steps. Why not encourage transformation- be it in social attitude and outlook or ethical consciousness. Disregarding prejudices and moving beyond the conventional is the only way forward.Monday, September 29, 2008
Rise
Comfortably numb I sit in my cocoon
Voices don’t pierce through
Movements don’t startle me anymore
I feel gift wrapped and ready to be opened
And yet trapped
Only to be provoked when spoken
My mirror has a reflection
My reflection has a story
There were days of glory
It seems the process is inward out
The butterfly is nesting
Or should I say resting
Returning to the peaceful slumber
I lack zest
One day it started
With a spark, in the dark
The light spread though
Comfortably numb no more,
Humming to something for sure
The phoenix rose from it ashes
And then there was life
Wings spread,
Bubble pricked
I fall
Gravity must stall
But I hold on no more
Absolute free
At last I embrace victory.
Voices don’t pierce through
Movements don’t startle me anymore
I feel gift wrapped and ready to be opened
And yet trapped
Only to be provoked when spoken
My mirror has a reflection
My reflection has a story
There were days of glory
It seems the process is inward out
The butterfly is nesting
Or should I say resting
Returning to the peaceful slumber
I lack zest
One day it started
With a spark, in the dark
The light spread though
Comfortably numb no more,
Humming to something for sure
The phoenix rose from it ashes
And then there was life
Wings spread,
Bubble pricked
I fall
Gravity must stall
But I hold on no more
Absolute free
At last I embrace victory.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Evoke The
In the desert so raw and dry
You’ll find your mirage
Don’t give up hope
And don’t let the spirits die
You’re the traveler
So open your eye.
I am yet to understand certain themes of life, at every stage there is this prototype existence that we as human beings are forced to follow. The real question being how reassuring or a suffocating a fact this really is? I reckon the later, the former doesn’t resonate well with me, it just presents a system of consistency that forces us to conform to, but the later is what keeps me enthused.
Like getting a job for example, I can’t believe how taxing a process it is. To begin with this whole concept of a Resume aka piece of rubbish. It doesn’t make any sense, how in the world am I supposed to sum up 22 years of my existence onto a piece of paper, not only is that conceited but an exasperating process. Let alone have my life evaluated in a span of 120 seconds of the interviewing process. Just like a bad date who probes to much, This is unacceptable, Like : What if I was the kind of person who took time to open up, I use to be a dancer once, a slow beginner, I almost always took more time learning the steps than the others, getting the technique right, but my instructors dint badger me they let me enjoy my movement (however inconsistent it might have been). My point being I know there are people out there who know their steps right from their formative years- doctor, lawyer, entrepreneur it comes so easy, their moves are consistent and structural. I feel they have mastered the theme and are no longer non-conformists (which by the way is NOT a bad thing) But its irksome for others like me who are constantly weighed down because we can’t make up our minds as to what our calling really is. We dance to another tune, a more offbeat, underground kind. Like every other free spirit out there I too am different and still experimenting with diverse styles trying to groove to the beat that exists in my head.
I would like to believe that the nomads of yester years have taught us a few lessons, they simply were not aimless travelers (even though the term suggests so), but were on a quest, whether it be finding food and shelter or understanding the truth of life and its existence. And so it will be wrong for me to hang on to my boots and not learn from history what it’s trying to teach me….To follow my bliss and find my Passion. I know it lurks around there somewhere, be it the dusty corners of theaters, dried tips of a feather bark, high tech buildings selling colorful imagery or musical notes that evoke meaning and strength.
There is so much that I want to do , the nomad in me is already racing ahead with all the possibilities that lie but I’m a practical girl and open to the prospect of getting some direction on way. Whether it be in the form of an epiphany or otherwise as long as it means finding what Im looking for.
Jumping on the boat is not what I fear nor is it the giant wave that lies ahead. Im completely aware of the fact , that distant dreams invite possibilities of being caste away. But then again its not everyday that you leave on a treasure hunt…as long as im rich in knowledge and wisdom and happy in finding what I love doing , thats all that matters.My time is now and so I'm setting sail before its to late.
Oceans Ahoy!!
You’ll find your mirage
Don’t give up hope
And don’t let the spirits die
You’re the traveler
So open your eye.
I am yet to understand certain themes of life, at every stage there is this prototype existence that we as human beings are forced to follow. The real question being how reassuring or a suffocating a fact this really is? I reckon the later, the former doesn’t resonate well with me, it just presents a system of consistency that forces us to conform to, but the later is what keeps me enthused.
Like getting a job for example, I can’t believe how taxing a process it is. To begin with this whole concept of a Resume aka piece of rubbish. It doesn’t make any sense, how in the world am I supposed to sum up 22 years of my existence onto a piece of paper, not only is that conceited but an exasperating process. Let alone have my life evaluated in a span of 120 seconds of the interviewing process. Just like a bad date who probes to much, This is unacceptable, Like : What if I was the kind of person who took time to open up, I use to be a dancer once, a slow beginner, I almost always took more time learning the steps than the others, getting the technique right, but my instructors dint badger me they let me enjoy my movement (however inconsistent it might have been). My point being I know there are people out there who know their steps right from their formative years- doctor, lawyer, entrepreneur it comes so easy, their moves are consistent and structural. I feel they have mastered the theme and are no longer non-conformists (which by the way is NOT a bad thing) But its irksome for others like me who are constantly weighed down because we can’t make up our minds as to what our calling really is. We dance to another tune, a more offbeat, underground kind. Like every other free spirit out there I too am different and still experimenting with diverse styles trying to groove to the beat that exists in my head.
I would like to believe that the nomads of yester years have taught us a few lessons, they simply were not aimless travelers (even though the term suggests so), but were on a quest, whether it be finding food and shelter or understanding the truth of life and its existence. And so it will be wrong for me to hang on to my boots and not learn from history what it’s trying to teach me….To follow my bliss and find my Passion. I know it lurks around there somewhere, be it the dusty corners of theaters, dried tips of a feather bark, high tech buildings selling colorful imagery or musical notes that evoke meaning and strength.
There is so much that I want to do , the nomad in me is already racing ahead with all the possibilities that lie but I’m a practical girl and open to the prospect of getting some direction on way. Whether it be in the form of an epiphany or otherwise as long as it means finding what Im looking for.
Jumping on the boat is not what I fear nor is it the giant wave that lies ahead. Im completely aware of the fact , that distant dreams invite possibilities of being caste away. But then again its not everyday that you leave on a treasure hunt…as long as im rich in knowledge and wisdom and happy in finding what I love doing , thats all that matters.My time is now and so I'm setting sail before its to late.
Oceans Ahoy!!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Reminiscing: I am a Bud.
Every transitional phase in life has its moments. Being a teenager surely did. Despite the raging tantrums, temperaments, fights, hideous fashion statements, the one that topped the list the minute you hit puberty (and for some before) was the naïve, never experienced before feeling of- like, infatuation and sometimes even love that had us consumed or should I say confused. There are reflective instances from this period that will make you smile, laugh and even shed a tear, because even if he wasn’t the one, he was the one and only at that point.
The high experienced wasn’t recreational in any way and nor was the low which was so heartfelt. But it was that feeling, in your stomach, the blush of that cheek and the anxiety with which you said your first hello that had you spinning for days.
He was the one you fluffed your hair for, the one you wore that special shinny gloss for and defiantly the one you wrote special things about in your secret diary.
An ode to the boy(s) who said lets play catch –but this time with your heart.
*************************************************************************************
I was sitting in the classroom bored and restless and in strolls Mrs. Butta and declares a change of seating, my partner is replaced by the intelligent boy genius who with his black rimmed glasses and corny smile manages to make me blush . He answers my math questions when Im left dumbfounded and occasionally helps me with my class work. I respond by sharing my pencils and scold him from time to time about being on his 'side of the table'( we drew a line and everything) but I secretly smile every time he breaks this pact and specially when our elbows bump. He had his principals laid down and so we never played dots during class but during a free period he seldom refrained from doing so. I even called him up a few times to discuss certain homework related questions that I just happened to forgot to note down. He was polite and understanding and encouraged me to pay more attention in class. *sigh* How I admired him. It dint last very long but I remember him still. I don’t think it would have worked out with us as his love for numbers was far more intense than his like for me. And as luck would have it 2 months later our seating order was changed and so I bid him farewell and decided to embrace what was ahead.
Destiny agreed and this time my tryst was going to be a lot more long lasting and exhilarating than before. I remember it like it happened yesterday.
We were walking down the hallway a group of 5 teenage girls with braces and funky looking hairdos which we at the time thought were just so Hip.
Between all the rambling and incoherent conversation, I had no idea what was about to happen.
It was my best friend that suddenly stopped in her tracks and pointed to this guy who she thought was cute, I clearly unaware of what was ahead of me, followed her gaze and froze. Right there next to the water cooler stood a grey eyed guy with a lopsided smile and twinkling eyes that had me captured. He strolled past me casually not realizing that there was something magical about that moment and that life was never going to be the same. There would always be a need to dress well, a motivation to go to school, and master a game I like to call “Pretend I’m not looking but slyly look at him from the corner of my eye”. The damage had already been done; I was left flabbergasted for what seemed like an eternity. Life had set in slow motion and he eluded my mind from then onwards till one day he and the braces left me.
I don’t know when my heart will hop skip and jump like that. In fact these days its all about catch me if you can. (Clearly the player in me has been evoked).
But there is this corner in my heart, a rather bright, colorful one, with memories from another time, and it belongs to them. They will dominate it forever and I will always be grateful for having met them when I did. For it really was a simple time back then.
The recipe for love was different: the ingredients were raw, the method was new and the product was fresh… And I ate happily, crushing every bite savoring every moment.
The high experienced wasn’t recreational in any way and nor was the low which was so heartfelt. But it was that feeling, in your stomach, the blush of that cheek and the anxiety with which you said your first hello that had you spinning for days.
He was the one you fluffed your hair for, the one you wore that special shinny gloss for and defiantly the one you wrote special things about in your secret diary.
An ode to the boy(s) who said lets play catch –but this time with your heart.
*************************************************************************************
I was sitting in the classroom bored and restless and in strolls Mrs. Butta and declares a change of seating, my partner is replaced by the intelligent boy genius who with his black rimmed glasses and corny smile manages to make me blush . He answers my math questions when Im left dumbfounded and occasionally helps me with my class work. I respond by sharing my pencils and scold him from time to time about being on his 'side of the table'( we drew a line and everything) but I secretly smile every time he breaks this pact and specially when our elbows bump. He had his principals laid down and so we never played dots during class but during a free period he seldom refrained from doing so. I even called him up a few times to discuss certain homework related questions that I just happened to forgot to note down. He was polite and understanding and encouraged me to pay more attention in class. *sigh* How I admired him. It dint last very long but I remember him still. I don’t think it would have worked out with us as his love for numbers was far more intense than his like for me. And as luck would have it 2 months later our seating order was changed and so I bid him farewell and decided to embrace what was ahead.
Destiny agreed and this time my tryst was going to be a lot more long lasting and exhilarating than before. I remember it like it happened yesterday.
We were walking down the hallway a group of 5 teenage girls with braces and funky looking hairdos which we at the time thought were just so Hip.
Between all the rambling and incoherent conversation, I had no idea what was about to happen.
It was my best friend that suddenly stopped in her tracks and pointed to this guy who she thought was cute, I clearly unaware of what was ahead of me, followed her gaze and froze. Right there next to the water cooler stood a grey eyed guy with a lopsided smile and twinkling eyes that had me captured. He strolled past me casually not realizing that there was something magical about that moment and that life was never going to be the same. There would always be a need to dress well, a motivation to go to school, and master a game I like to call “Pretend I’m not looking but slyly look at him from the corner of my eye”. The damage had already been done; I was left flabbergasted for what seemed like an eternity. Life had set in slow motion and he eluded my mind from then onwards till one day he and the braces left me.
I don’t know when my heart will hop skip and jump like that. In fact these days its all about catch me if you can. (Clearly the player in me has been evoked).
But there is this corner in my heart, a rather bright, colorful one, with memories from another time, and it belongs to them. They will dominate it forever and I will always be grateful for having met them when I did. For it really was a simple time back then.
The recipe for love was different: the ingredients were raw, the method was new and the product was fresh… And I ate happily, crushing every bite savoring every moment.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Patience
I like to Remind myself something ever so often:
When the bright light at the end of the tunnel starts to look fuzzy and distant, its time to blindfold yourself and enjoy the space that surrounds. For it is not important to reach the light but to engage in the experience of illuminating ones own mind.
Wikipedia: A free content, multilingual encyclopedia written collaboratively by contributors around the world.
Defines Patience,
As the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties.
So what is different and what is similar between our versions?
Mine is an optimistic appraisal or rather an enactment of my defense mechanism's version of 'My life is perfect and can only get better'.
Wiki defines it subjectively and in doing so asks us to look upon it as a virtue. To master it to a degree and thus surrender to its power.
And So,
When destiny takes it course and forces us to compromise, it is then when I look upon you with utmost respect and fondness.
Stay with me.. after all…
All you need is just a little Patience -GnR
When the bright light at the end of the tunnel starts to look fuzzy and distant, its time to blindfold yourself and enjoy the space that surrounds. For it is not important to reach the light but to engage in the experience of illuminating ones own mind.
Wikipedia: A free content, multilingual encyclopedia written collaboratively by contributors around the world.
Defines Patience,
As the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties.
So what is different and what is similar between our versions?
Mine is an optimistic appraisal or rather an enactment of my defense mechanism's version of 'My life is perfect and can only get better'.
Wiki defines it subjectively and in doing so asks us to look upon it as a virtue. To master it to a degree and thus surrender to its power.
And So,
When destiny takes it course and forces us to compromise, it is then when I look upon you with utmost respect and fondness.
Stay with me.. after all…
All you need is just a little Patience -GnR
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful
Its a lazy sunday evening and ive been reflecting about my life all day, its highs and lows, counting mostly its lows. Its just one of those days where I want to wallow and indulge in self pity two things I despise the most and funnily find my self doing every once in a while.
But this was the least of my problem till I started watching this reality show after which I broke down into tears. Why I got so wound up about this show was odd even for me, sometimes I think its because I'm very sensitive and care a tad bit too much. Even while writing this I sense my own naivety.
Anyhow coming back to the show, there was this girl who was being bullied by two other good looking girls based on how man-ly she was. Considering this wasn’t even a beauty pageant but infact a show based on levels of physical and metal strength. I was shocked
Today images of female beauty seem to influence everyone, the gap between cultural ideals of beauty and the actual physical appearance of women in our society is reaching new heights, Infact more and more women today are dissatisfied with the way they look. But then there are some who aren’t and those are the ones who are being subjected to this mental torture.
Like this girl who dint really care about the way she looked, dressed or acted. But was made to feel like crap just because she wasn’t good looking. However strong she might be as a person this affected her and I know it, because the next episode she was dressed in a skirt, she ironed her hair, she choose to be this other person just because she wanted to fit in on some unconscious level.
It’s terrifying. It really is...thinking back of my own school days, I shudder..Ive gone through it as well..I understood her pain. Maybe that’s why I was leaking like a tap.
For 2 years I was the fat girl.... How this changed my life I can never explain.
I always wondered then- why was it that even though I was a great human being people never appreciated me. I would ask myself how can people be so insensitive. But time changed so much.. I lost that weight turned into the so-called swan. Got the attention I deserved but by then nothing mattered...what changed me was my experience. What changed me was my own strength and ability to fight. What changed me was I.
Someday I want to go back and fight for all these girls who feel the same way. I want to tell them it’s not their fault. It will get better and you will win. You’re pretty inside and out. I want to meet these bullies; I want them to realize that their insecurities are not a good enough excuse to hurt other people. I want the world to be responsible and to care.
I also want people to realize something about this girl. This girl who you think is unconventional looking is an amazing person. Ask this girl and see if she cares what you think of yourself. She'll look past everything and say your soul is beautiful and that’s what matters. It was her that kissed the frog and turned him into a prince. How can you call her ugly? When her vision is so pure and pretty.
But this was the least of my problem till I started watching this reality show after which I broke down into tears. Why I got so wound up about this show was odd even for me, sometimes I think its because I'm very sensitive and care a tad bit too much. Even while writing this I sense my own naivety.
Anyhow coming back to the show, there was this girl who was being bullied by two other good looking girls based on how man-ly she was. Considering this wasn’t even a beauty pageant but infact a show based on levels of physical and metal strength. I was shocked
Today images of female beauty seem to influence everyone, the gap between cultural ideals of beauty and the actual physical appearance of women in our society is reaching new heights, Infact more and more women today are dissatisfied with the way they look. But then there are some who aren’t and those are the ones who are being subjected to this mental torture.
Like this girl who dint really care about the way she looked, dressed or acted. But was made to feel like crap just because she wasn’t good looking. However strong she might be as a person this affected her and I know it, because the next episode she was dressed in a skirt, she ironed her hair, she choose to be this other person just because she wanted to fit in on some unconscious level.
It’s terrifying. It really is...thinking back of my own school days, I shudder..Ive gone through it as well..I understood her pain. Maybe that’s why I was leaking like a tap.
For 2 years I was the fat girl.... How this changed my life I can never explain.
I always wondered then- why was it that even though I was a great human being people never appreciated me. I would ask myself how can people be so insensitive. But time changed so much.. I lost that weight turned into the so-called swan. Got the attention I deserved but by then nothing mattered...what changed me was my experience. What changed me was my own strength and ability to fight. What changed me was I.
Someday I want to go back and fight for all these girls who feel the same way. I want to tell them it’s not their fault. It will get better and you will win. You’re pretty inside and out. I want to meet these bullies; I want them to realize that their insecurities are not a good enough excuse to hurt other people. I want the world to be responsible and to care.
I also want people to realize something about this girl. This girl who you think is unconventional looking is an amazing person. Ask this girl and see if she cares what you think of yourself. She'll look past everything and say your soul is beautiful and that’s what matters. It was her that kissed the frog and turned him into a prince. How can you call her ugly? When her vision is so pure and pretty.
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